Some Factors to Consider
More than 60 years of research studies bear out the truth of
these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders. So do my personal
experience and observation through years of teaching university classes about
good marriage relationships. Research suggests several areas that we need to
look at in choosing a spouse if we want to have the greatest chance of success in marriage. These are the individual attributes and deeply held values of
the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with that
person, the person’s background, and the things in our own lives that affect
our decisions. Let’s consider each of these.
The Person We Are Thinking Of Marrying
First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of
marrying. As Elder Scott suggested, the person’s beliefs about family life are
very important. Research confirms that the more a potential spouse values
marriage and family life, the better that marriage can be. Studies show also
that the kind of person President Hinckley advises seeking—someone to honor,
respect, and give our whole heart to, someone who inspires love, allegiance,
and loyalty—will usually have good mental and emotional health, including
maturity, self-control, and a healthy sense of self-respect. The best place to
locate this is among the people of common believe.
The self-respect that
prepares one well for marriage is not, as President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973)
said, “an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit,
or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as ‘belief in
one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.’” One young wife’s comments about her husband
illustrate how a poor sense of self-worth can harm a marriage. “I love him and
I hope he will change. He has poor self-esteem. In any discussion of problems
in our relationship, he puts up defenses and throws everything back on me or
says he is worthless.”
Two immature behaviors
are impulsive spending and losing one’s temper. One young woman broke up with a
young man after she observed his problem in controlling his anger. She said to
me: “He had a bad temper, and he was power oriented and controlling. I really
thought that he would abuse me or my children if I married him.”
There is a need to
find a person not only of good character but also one with whom we can have a
good relationship. The way we communicate in dating and courtship is a key to
building a solid marital relationship. Sincere, positive communication
practiced in dating and courtship increases the likelihood of greater
commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in
marriage.
Good communication begins with a righteous heart. “Out of the abundance
of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matt. 12:34). On the other hand, communication from a
selfish heart is generally just manipulation. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94)
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “If we would know true love and
understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than
a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns.
It is the sharing of oneself totally.”
Steve and Linda, who
divorced after five years of marriage, realized this on looking back. Linda
said it this way: “We had problems, I think, from the time we started dating.
Neither of us is really good at communicating. I think I am a little better now
than when we were dating. But neither one of us discussed our thoughts and
feelings; we would get full of anger and neither one of us would talk.”
Past And Present Family Relationships (The Effect Of Heritage)
In addition to
weighing a potential spouse’s character and our ability to create a good couple
relationship with that person, we need to consider past and present family
relationships. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) taught, “In choosing a
companion, it is necessary to study the disposition, the inheritance, and training
of the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey.”
Both research studies
and experience show the wisdom of President McKay’s counsel. Good family
environments and family relationships tend to lead to good quality marriages by
the children; poor family environments and family relationships often
foreshadow poor marriages by the children from these homes. Young adults from
divorced families, for example, may experience some depression and anger and
have trouble trusting or committing to others as a result of the trauma of
parental divorce. Whether their parents divorced or not, some individuals may
have been exposed to poor models of communication and conflict resolution in
their families. Children from families that were emotionally cold and distant,
chaotic, dangerous, unpredictable, detached, full of conflict, or where
addictions or violence were chronic problems may need special help in
overcoming such an upbringing.
Fortunately, however,
our backgrounds do not have to control the outcome of our lives or our
marriages. While we can do little to change our “gene pool,” we can choose how
to respond to the events and conditions of our upbringing, and courtship is one
of the most opportune times to do so. President McKay also said: “In our early
youth, our environment is largely determined for us, but … in courtship and
marriage we can modify, aye, can control to a very great extent, our
environment. Morally speaking, we can carve the very atmosphere in which we
live.” 13
Even if we came from a
less-than-perfect family environment, we are not doomed to suffer the
consequences of our parents’ iniquities “unto the third and fourth generation”
(Deut. 5:9). The very scriptures that warn of wickedness
being passed on unto the third and fourth generation also show the way out of a
troubled family background. Doctrine and Covenants 124:50 [D&C 124:50], for example, tells us that the
iniquities of the fathers will be visited upon the head of the children “so
long as they [the children] repent not, and hate me.” Thus repentance and
loving the Lord help free us from the sins of our parents.
The Book of Mormon is also full of examples
of how to deal with parental influences. It talks about these influences in
terms of “the traditions of their fathers” (Alma 9:17). The story of the Lamanites who responded to
the teaching of Ammon and his brethren is a powerful example of a people who
overcame generations of wicked traditions. In brief, the Book of Mormon teaches
us that we can overcome these negative effects by having faith in the Lord,
allowing ourselves to be taught by inspired leaders, learning the lessons of
the scriptures, suffering in patience the afflictions that parents may have
brought upon us, and repenting of any of the unrighteous habits and behaviors
we may have picked up (seeMosiah 1:5; Alma 9:16–17; Alma 17:9, 15; Alma 25:6; Hel. 15:7).
It is important to
have family and friends on our side and supportive of the upcoming marriage,
Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles advised.
“Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with
earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in
faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.” 14 Loving parents who
genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,”
can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed. More
to Come http://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/09/choosing-and-being-the-right-spouse?lang=eng
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