In this age of technology and digital communication, I have
seen a growing trend in my practice of serious technology related issues in
relationships. These issues can signal
the beginning of the end for relationships as they can propel the couple to try
to control each other and to descend deeper and deeper into codependency and
mistrust if at all man should be trusted in the first place.
Cell phones are wonderful things, they allow us to stay in
constant communication in a myriad of ways, but they can be the source of much
conflict. Text messages are a prime example. Communication with someone other
than the partner can trigger insecurity and suspicion in a relationship and the
informal nature of text messages can sometimes allow for communication to veer
towards subjects that may be seen as inappropriate or that feel disrespectful
to the other partner. Someone already prone to insecurity may be propelled to
anger and jealousy by the discovery of messages to another.
Computers can be another source of pain. From Facebook to
pornography, there are triggers everywhere that can cause hearts to constrict
and fear to rule. Friend requests from former flames can cause more anxiety
than a four-alarm fire, and private messages when discovered can damage trust
and build walls. It can seem like there is nowhere in the world that is safe
from the potential “threat” to the relationship once the line is crossed.
It seems like the first response to these events is to
“control” them. The wounded party may ask to see the offender’s text messages
or view their computer history on a regular basis. Monitoring the phone records
and promises not to delete anything until inspected become commonplace. It
seems like once that first step to “monitor” is taken, the relationship becomes
a playground for crazy making.
There are too many ways around being monitored for
monitoring to be an effective means of achieving that feeling of safety. There
are apps that allow you to receive texts on a server so that they never
actually show on a phone, and ways to wipe and encrypt information on a hard
drive so that it is never found. The person trying to feel safe because of the
feeling of control that comes with being able to check the phone will exhaust
himself or herself with having to think of all the ways they could be
deceived.
Relationships can become so codependent and enmeshed once
they head down this slippery slope that they hold no resemblance to the loving
environment that was originally triggered by suspicion. Monitoring someone is
futile. If someone wants to cheat they will. There is no surveillance mechanism
strong enough to track someone who wants to be underground. This is hard news
to hear for someone in love who simply wants to feel safe. Thus
saith the LORD; Cursed be the
man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth
from the LORD. 6 For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and
shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the
wilderness, in a salt land and
not inhabited. Jer 17:5-6 (KJV)
The first step in dealing with an infraction, whether
infidelity, flirtation or mere miscommunication is to evaluate your boundaries.
What are you willing to do or to put up with to stay in this relationship? Is
the relationship worth saving? How much discomfort are you willing to bear? Are
you willing to risk being hurt to love this person? For some the answer is no,
and for some, staying in the relationship is worth the work it will take to
stay there. It is only those who have taken the second position that had and
will keep their relationship. That decision is called unconditional love and respect
in marriage.
So how do you do it? You realize that you are in a
relationship with a person who is separate from you who has the ability to make
decisions on his or her own. You accept the fact that no matter what you do you
cannot prevent yourself from being hurt when you love someone. The risk is
always there. Then, you nail your feet to the floor and take a deep breath.
This is the hard part.
Distress tolerance skills are useful when we are unable,
unwilling, or it would be inappropriate to change a situation. Learning to
coexist with discomfort can go a long way in increasing our quality of life.
Sometimes learning a few skills can allow us to stay in a relationship and
thrive versus intervening and trying to control and pronouncing the beginning
of the end for the relationship.
Radical acceptance is the first step in distress tolerance.
Acceptance means being willing to experience a situation as it is, rather than
how we want it to be , it is a willingness to accept things as they are and to
learn to exist with the fact. This doesn’t mean that what happened is ok, it
merely means that it happened.
Repeatedly ‘turning the mind’ is useful as well. To be in
the actual situation you are in, rather than the situation you think you’re in,
or think you should be in is a must. Your mind is always going to give you
other ideas, interpretations, reminding you of old strategies. Each time your
mind wanders and you notice these other thoughts and images, simply bring your
attention back to this moment. Not judging the situation to be good, or bad, or
in any way. Simply bringing your attention back to this moment, this situation,
and being effective in this situation. That means accepting that something
happened that made you uncomfortable, and resisting the mind’s desire to
control or fix the situation.
Taking a deep breath and finding things to distract you from
the desire to monitor or control can help. Engaging in activities is often
helpful. One should focus their undivided attention on the activity alone, and
attempt to push away any thoughts that try to come in related to the trigger.
Mindless, or tedious activities usually work best for this, such as needlework,
washing dishes, filing papers, etc. It is important not to attach any opinions
to the activities you are engaged in because doing so opens the door to
judgmental thoughts and images related to the triggering event.
Finding meaningful activities outside of your relationship
can help you to keep perspective and a healthy sense of your significance.
Volunteering or engaging in activities with a purpose helps redirect your
attention upon others. There is a tendency to become hyper-focused on your
relationship when triggered to anxiety, and developing contributing skills
helps move your focus to others. Examples
of contributing skills would be doing someone a favor or making someone a nice
card for a “just because” occasion, or writing a letter to a loved one, telling
them how much you care. Contributing not only helps distract you from your own
painful emotions but it helps you build a sense of self respect and gives back
meaning and purpose to your life that may feel diminished due to the current
circumstances in your relationship. Doing things for others can be very
rewarding, especially when the act is unsolicited. This distress tolerance tactic
is very effective.
Self-soothing is a skill that many of us neglect when
triggered to anxiety. This is a skill in which one behaves in a comforting,
nurturing, kind, and gentle way to oneself. You use it by doing something that
is soothing to you such as taking a bubble bath, or spending time in nature. It
is used in moments of distress or agitation to great avail when you are feeling
afraid and compelled to act.
Committing yourself to a relationship based on mutual
respect and refusing to allow yourself to take that first step towards losing
self-respect despite your partner’s actions is a must. Once you take that first
step down the slippery slope you not only lose your self-respect, you give your
relationship the seal of doom. What feels like it will save the relationship
and make it “safe” for you is actually the guaranteed way to keep you in
anxiety and pain. Monitoring also prevents the offender from being able to
redeem himself or herself, and takes away their dignity, which ensures that
they will never be able to perform up to their highest capabilities in the
relationship. "
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